Po Watches A Movie: I Don’t Care About This, But A Lot of You Sure Seem To

A review of the film The Hunger Games from two outsiders’ perspective. Just call us District…oh, who cares.
By Po, Editor-in-Chief, with Ry Rynne, Contributor
__________________________________________________________________________________________

[Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss, star of The Hunger Games]

So there’s this phenomenon called The Hunger Games; it’s like Twilight, or The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – a  book series with a female “heroine” (let’s not even get into Bella Swan) that the public obsesses over until it’s made into a series of films that the public then pays an obscene amount of money to watch. You’ve heard of it, right? I knew you had.

I went to see The Hunger Games with my friend Ry, who has more hair but less care about anything than I do. We were stuck with seats in the very front row, but this was redeemed by the fact that right behind us were a slew of girls who were clearly obsessed with the books/film, whose experience we could ruin by laughing hysterically at what were supposed to be emotional scenes.

How I review films is basically just live-blogging to myself on my BlackBerry during the entire movie. Here is a list of things I wrote down during the (very, very, excruciatingly) long film, I think you’ll like it:

– – –

PREVIEWS:

  • Another Twilight movie, apparently.
  • Ry: “But how does he have sperm if he’s bloodless?” Me: “Don’t ask me questions, it’s written by a Mormon.”
  • Ooooh the costumes for the Snow White movie with Charlize and KStew are briliant. McQueen???
  • You can tell a lot from previews and I hate nearly all of these.

THE FILM

  • “Death” is capitalized. I like it.
  • His facial hair is insane!
  • She’s not thin enough for me to like her. Or thin enough for someone so starved.
  • Why are they dressed like washed-out 70’s kids
  • WHY though??? What’s the point of killing these kids and making this huge production?
  • Prim gives back the mocking-jay pin. Entire theater is silently emotional over this. Me, loudly: “OH, BECAUSE IT WORKED SO WELL THE FIRST TIME.” Ry and I are laughing hysterically. Everyone else hates us, I think.

[I believe this is supposed to be emotional]

  • She’s too mean to her mom. “Don’t tune out like after dad died”?? Wtffff Mom is her own person! She’s allowed sadness, dude!
  • I WANT CRYSTAL DOORKNOBS
  • It’s not even that swag!! Oh wait, that’s just the train, not their real place. Ok. Pretty swag for a train.
  • Haymitch is an amaaazing swag drunk. Only person I want to hang out with so far in this movie. Goes, “Congratulations. Where’s the ice?”
  • “Embrace your imminent death,” he says. Ry: “That’s me!”

[Woody Harrelson as Haymitch, aka Ry]

  • Who the fuck watches this?? Like these are not normal humans!
  • He’s wearing a blue silk robe and pulls a silver flask out of his pocket. SWAG
  • OMG THESE PEOPLE DRESS AMAZINGLY WHAT IF WE ALL DRESSED LIKE THIS IT’S LIKE TOKYO ON ACID
  • Sinner is hot. Duh, his name is Sinner. Oh and also he’s Lenny Kravitz.
  • Omg Stanley Tucci w/ blue hair! I didn’t realize it was him! Love him
  • Those black shiny fire-suits are hot. Also: obvs someone named “Sinner” makes fetish-wear
  • Ok kidding it’s “Cinna,” not “Sinner.” Close enough though.
  • I WANT THE PENTHOUSE (I always want the penthouse)
  • Excellent white trees and metal shit on the modern side of the apartment. A little confused re: chartreuse abounding
  • The training scene reminds me of Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” music vid, except uglier than hers.
  • “Hope Is the only thing stronger than fear…a lot of hope is dangerous.” Ok finally one good line.
  • Omg his name is GLITTERMAN and yes, he’s wearing a blue glitter suit.
  • Me to Ry: “I have that vest in white!!” (scene with those weirdo people all watching in the capital; one guy is wearing a fluffy dusty-pink cropped furry vest. I do have it in white.)
  • Someone named Glimmer comes out. Baby stripper. Ry: “I hope she’s the first to die.”
  • Katniss in the red dress is like Shane in the dress from Carmen’s house (An L Word reference, for non-lesbians). Ry agrees.

[This is uncomfortable for everyone except Stanley Tucci and his blue glitter suit and hair. Oh and really his name is “Flickerman,” I looked it up, but I’m sticking with Glitterman in my head.]

  • Icy spiked chandeliers!!!
  • The dialogue is terrible. Like, TERRIBLE.
  • Existential crisis personified, woahhh. Nobody’s ever made a movie or written a book where you have to decide whether or not to sacrifice yourself for what you stand for! Very juvenile.
  • So weirdly rural yet technological. An uncomfortable juxtaposition, aesthetically
  • Ry and I both are finding ourselves rooting for Katniss, finally, when literally everyone is against her.
  • RY: “That bitch got set aflame!” Me: “Also she’s a dyke.”
  • Very Isabella Blow, some of these outfits. Nicely done, costume designer.
  • She’s triiiippppppiiiiNnNnnggggg
  • Rue is so cute and little!
  • I hate this filmography/camerawork. Stop shaking!
  • Ok, only scene which actually has an emotional impact on me: when Rue’s father explodes, I want to cry. You don’t know what’s its like to lose a child. To watch your child die on fucking TELEVISION. I’ve known too many people who’ve lost children. Raw, raw emotion.
  • “I like you. Be careful.” -excellent quote
  • Is this seriously going to be a fucking LOVE STORY??
  • Me, trying to figure out what the digitalized hound-like animal is: “What is that thing, a pug?” RY: “I doubt they’d put a pug in there.”
  • Omg that scared the shit out of both of us
  • The last guy to die is a pretty good actor, not gonna lie. They’re all okay actors, given the terrible dialogue they have to spew.
  • SO LAME RULE CHANGES NOT FAIR NOT SWAG
  • I want that entrance table with the gold angels. Oh wait it’s suicide. HA HOW APPROPRIATE PO

– – –

Ok. So. As you can probably tell, we hated this film. The idea that we as humans would publicly gather to watch teenagers – kids – fight for their lives in a completely unfair, executed “game” is insane. Whatever social commentary you want to make about America’s public bloodlust has to be framed in context: this country might want to watch Hussein’s or Bin-Laden’s execution, but that’s because they feel they’re owed something from foreign enemies who have destroyed so much themselves. These kids in the film aren’t dictators or terrorists – they’re just kids. And this is the entire premise of the film, the books, the Hunger Games: public voyeurism. And I’m just not buying it.

PROS: Excellent costume design for the most part; good acting, for the line’s they’ve been given; some great set design (District 12, modern side of the penthouse, creepy inner programming room).

CONS: Premise of the film itself, that something like the Hunger Games would actually happen; everyone’s but Haymitch’s dialogue; shaky annoying camerawork; some terrible set design (the Capitol, the forest, Stanley Tucci’s set); the idea that this film is original because of it’s “die for the cause or live while discarding your values” central point (IT’S NOT, DUH); the weird semi-fake love story; unexplained ending; wayyy too long.

Even Katniss is unimpressed.

All screencaps from TheHob.org.

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Comments

  1. I like this post. But be careful.

  2. Is this serious?? says:

    I am sorry but did you graduate from eighth grade yet? The fact that you sit and post about this movie and say things like “why does this happen?” it said twice in the movie why the hunger games exist. Also if you learned how to read you might want to pick up a book and learn more behind the story. It’s actually an amazingly written book unlike this trash of a review.

  3. Rebecca Kramer says:

    i like this post, hate the movie. sorry. but nicely written..

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SOME THINGS ABOUT US

LANDFILLS is a grassroots literary, arts and culture online collective based in Chicago. All work is original, except the featured images that accompany text posts (which are blatantly stolen from tumblr.com). Complaints should be directed to Po via Twitter.
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