IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH: How I Shaved My Head in the Psych Ward and Still Stayed SWAG

by Po, Editor-in-Chief
__________________________________________________________________________________________

One day I shaved my head.

That’s about all you need to know for this article. Because this isn’t an article where I tell you about being in a psych ward  [this piece is], or an article where I tell you how I ended up in the psych ward [it’s coming, I promise], or an article where I tell you how I tried to get better post-psych ward [that’s what this is for]. This isn’t a heavy article. This is – wait for it – A BEAUTY ARTICLE! In which I tell you how to look swag when confronting many girls’ worst fear: being a certified Baldilocks.

Get excited, bitches. For super-low-quality BlackBerry photographs.

1. THE CLASSIC

Despite the fact that in this photo Rebecca and I are at a frat house, um, “gathering,” this is a classic beauty look that works with any kind of hair at all, except if it (the hair) is multi-colored. Clear, tan skin, a dark eyebrow, mascara, and a red lip works in any venue – a wedding, a date, a job interview, a therapy session, a frat house party (well, those last two might just be me).

THE GOODS:

Origins VitaZing SPF 15 Energy Boosting Moisturizer with Mangosteen, $35

This is basically the holy grail of all moisturizers I’ve tried – and I’ve tried a lot, from the drugstore ones that are supposed to be “better than any dermatologist” to the “created-by-a-dermatologist” super expensive ones. I don’t care about being green or natural when it comes to beauty, but that’s a nice perk with the Origins company. What I do love is looking tanner, dewier, and more airbrushed simply with a moisturizer. It’s not even tinted! I’ve stopped wearing foundation altogether.

NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Cruella, $24

THE best red, and it lasts forever. In that picture above, I had been wearing it for about fifteen hours. It’s a lipstick in pencil form, which is brilliant, and it’s NARS (Executive Editor Jenny’s favorite makeup brand, by the way). I mean, who doesn’t love NARS? French, great formulas, and beyond chic.

M.A.C. Cosmetics Eye Brows in Stud, $15

I don’t care if you have blonde eyebrows, dark eyebrows, or no eyebrows (me!) – everyone can use a little help shaping and filling in. This M.A.C. smushy roll-up thing (great beauty terminology, I know) is so precise; it has become the only thing I use for my brows. And like moisturizers, I’ve been going through so many different kinds of eyebrow pencils, waxes, etc. throughout the years, the fact that I stock up on these makes them miraculous.

Maybelline New York Lash Stiletto Voluptuous Waterproof Mascara in Very Black, $8

DRUGSTORE DRUGSTORE DRUGSTORE! CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP! BEST BEST BEST! Seriously, that’s all you need to know.

Someone significantly better looking than me in “The Classic” look.

2. THE CLEOPATRA

This relies on three beauty products that could go hopelessly wrong: tons of bronzer, liquid eyeliner, and a nude lip. Also: lots of heavy gold jewelry. But that’s not a beauty tip.

THE GOODS:

New York Color Sun 2 Sun Bronzing Powder in Bronze Gold, $5

People, this is five dollars. FIVE DOLLARS. It’s half bronzer, half shimmery highlighter (but not too shimmery, just enough to give you a glow), but I just swirl a big brush around all of it and apply liberally. Make sure your brush is big and the powder is evenly distributed; the look is Egyptian, not Snooki. (Truthfully, if you have the money, there are amazing bronzers from Dior and Givenchy, but those aren’t the ones I buy or the ones I’m wearing in the above photo. But shout-out, expensive buddies!)

Revlon ColorStay Liquid Liner in Blackest Black, $7

Wooooohoooo more drugstore products! If you’re going to wear liquid eyeliner, make sure you can draw a straight line. (One of my many accomplishments is being able to still apply eyeliner when I’m shaking from too many drugs. I know, impressive. It took me years to get here.) This one is very precise, like a felt-tip pen, but runnier. Another tip: keep your eye closed until the liquid liner dries, or you’ll get that line on your eyelid. WOW THIS IS SO REVOLUTIONARY. Sorry, I’m getting bored of writing about beauty products.

M.A.C. Cosmetics Lipstick in Myth, $14.50

The best nude lipstick – it’s actually nude. It will erase your lips completely if you apply it straight from the tube, which some people are into. I like to layer it with a peachier, beachier lip gloss on top; the one I have is so worn I can’t read the label but I think it’s this one from a brand called Essence and it’s two dollars. So. There’s that.

Someone significantly better looking than me in “The Cleopatra” look.

What did we learn from this? Probably more than a few of you learned that you really don’t want to shave your head anytime soon. Maybe some of you learned that I spend way too much money on beauty products and then hate writing about them. What I would like you to have learned is that maybe you can do something scary, but make it turn out okay.

Or maybe the lesson is just buy expensive lipstick.

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Comments

  1. Aaron Bovit says:

    Cute, cute, cute!!!!!!!!1

  2. Rebecca Kramer says:

    first of all, i would not call that a “frat house” that we attended. you did not give enough credit to your classic look cuz man, you pulled that look OFF swag. And thanks for the Chi you no longer need :)

  3. Sarah Schloss says:

    hiiii i think youre gorgeous and you pull off that shaved head like its no body’s business! move over denzel!

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SOME THINGS ABOUT US

LANDFILLS is a grassroots literary, arts and culture online collective based in Chicago. All work is original, except the featured images that accompany text posts (which are blatantly stolen from tumblr.com). Complaints should be directed to Po via Twitter.
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